Faith Renewed
by KatieLizJane
Summary: an awakening
1. Chapter 1

Rugged boots thumped along the corridor, rhythmically pulsating a frantic battle cry. The angry man wearing those boots strode purposefully along his path, fire burning in his eyes. The warrior's heart and boots echoing the beat of his people's war drums. He had been lost; lost to his pride, his people, his resolve, his fire, his love, his soul, his faith, and his soul mate.

" _Who are you but a coward? I see not a man, I see not an angry warrior, Chakotay. I see a coward who has allowed himself to be walked on, walked over, trampled, and now? Now you are simply ignored. She doesn't even expect any opinion from you. You are, what, my angry, contrary son? Furniture? Her "token Maquis"? Everything you said you'd never become?"_ The old man looked at him with a sneer that was both mocking and disgusted.

Chakotay continued on down the corridor, frightening crewmen he passed along the way, as he recalled the content of his last vision quest. The crewmen, seeing him in his of Maquis clothing, walking with a roaring inferno blazing in his eyes that had not been seen since his battles with the Cardassians, shrunk away in terror. The lucky ones removing themselves from his path before he removed them himself.

" _She's the Captain, father! What would you have me do? Force the issue and end up in the brig?" Chakotay defended himself._

 _"_ _HA! You speak as if you believe this is what she wants!"_

 _"_ _It may not be what she wants father, but it is what she feels is necessary. She needs my support, not my love. I would be a distraction. Her work would suffer, and such things are not allowed."_

 _"_ _And so you sit back like a coward? I would refer to you as a lap dog but that is too good for you! What have you been lately but a lazy SLOTH! You do not contribute to her council. You go along with anything at all, not to please but to avoid! You avoid effort, opinions, confrontation… in short you are NOTHING! Not man, not beast, not warrior… you are… waste! OH MY SON! You have lost your, dignity, your life, your honor, and your respect for yourself. And Why?"_

As he walked along his anger rising with every step, consuming him, enraging him into action, finally. "She's walked all over me, giving me my opinions, telling me what I should be allowed to think and feel!" Ah, but he would have it no longer. Not after what he learned, about himself, about her, about everything.

" _This is what she needs from me father. I pledged to keep her needs ahead of my own."_

 _"_ _Oh, that's bullshit, Chakotay, and you know it!"_

 _"_ _Father!" Chakotay replied, aghast at his father's uncharacteristic vulgarity._

 _"_ _Are you so blind that you have not seen her DYING right before your eyes? The only light in her eyes these days is rage, empty rage. Where is the glow of wonder she used to emit? Where is the fire that burned when she defended the innocent, the oppressed? The mirth at the mischievousness of her people? When was the last time she shared a moment of happiness with, well, anyone? She dies slowly inside because her soulmate has given up, has failed to challenge her, has given up on her altogether."_

 _Chakotay was dumbfounded. He wanted to refute it, to argue. The contrary in him wanted to scream words of denial to his father, but he could not. Every word his father said was true. The equinox incident came to mind. That was the last true emotion he had sensed from her, and it WAS one of emptiness and rage._

 _"_ _What would you have me do?"_

 _"_ _Well, my stupid, stupid son. I certainly wouldn't have you mindlessly accepting meals from a woman she sees as a child and has a tendency to mother. You have become so complacent, you just agree to anything from anyone, without giving it a thought. Did you ever think that the woman showing interest in you does so solely because every teenage girl tries to provoke her mother at one point or another? Think! You used to me so much more intuitive than this! Losing touch with your soulmate has left you adrift and out of touch with yourself and others around you as well."_

He thought back; Kathryn had been the one to smile, to tell jokes, to talk about sneaking out as a teenager, and to flirt on the bridge. She had broken the ice with the crew. She, Kathryn, had befriended her crew, encouraged socialization, and even said fraternization rules shouldn't apply to Voyager. She conceded that it would likely become a generational ship, and she didn't object to it. True, at the time she had excluded herself, but then, at the time she had been engaged and certainly not ready to give up on what had become a comfortable relationship with Mark. When he realized this he realized that Kathryn _HAD_ given up. Not on getting them home, no. Kathryn had given up on herself, on love, on happiness, on friendships, on everything she once thrived on. It was true, Kathryn was dying. How had he failed to see this?

The doors to cargo bay 2 slid quietly open and the enraged man entered, eyes searching for the spiteful brat that had used a simple meal and socialization lesson to drive his soulmate further away from him.

 _"_ _I had one meal father and it was as a mentor, not a romantic partner. I would think Kathryn would be happy that I've finally accepted her borg pet, and that I am helping her!"_

 _"_ _You may have had one meal, but she has had "fantasy" encounters with you. You know our people never liked others stealing our likeness; it damages our souls when used improperly. In other circumstances I think you would have suspected, investigated, and protected yourself and your yaah."_

 _"_ _How do I do that now, Father?_

The bay was empty. The enraged man stomped on! Upon reaching the holodeck he overrode the privacy codes and stormed into a horrifying scenario. A scene set for seduction, his own quarter, a rose, a hologram of himself kissing a cold, calculating witch, it all made his stomach turn. He noticed a holoimager set up on a shelf taking occasional photos; evidence of his guilt, even in innocence. He tore the bitchy blond out of the holograms arms just as the imager took another photo. He grabbed the imager with one hand and, grabbing hold of her wrist, dragged Seven out with the other.

He entered the bridge where Kathryn was on duty. He was met with a stunned bridge crew as he growled, "Kathryn, we need to talk."

"Commander what are you doing? How dare you speak to me in that tone?" Her eyes roamed over to the struggling Seven who was still trying to pull away. "Release Seven!" She demanded.

"No."

"No?"

"I said no, Kathryn."

" _Commander_ , we are on the bridge and you will address me as _Captain!"_

"No, Kathryn. I'm off duty and I will address you as Kathryn!" He saw a spark in her eyes, a fire that told him she was up for his challenge, but also the empty rage his father spoke of. He knew he was in a precarious situation. He pulled Seven around, tossing her to the center of the bridge between Kathryn and himself. Seven quickly composed herself and regained her equilibrium, pulling herself straight and standing tall between them.

"Tuvok, rotate the images from this holoimager on the viewscreen." Chakotay tossed Tuvok the imager. Photos of all of Seven's dates began to flash on the view screen. Larger than life pictures of Seven and Chakotay in any number of intimate situations appeared; photos of them sitting at a piano together, enjoying a picnic, preparing food, sharing a dessert in the mess hall. So many pictures that it made Chakotay nauseous as he realized that Seven had done this many time before.

Kathryn's face flushed red, maybe with anger at his insubordination, but Chakotay hoped it was jealously she was feeling.

"Why does your personal life need to be announced on my bridge, _Commander_?" She demanded.

Chakotay was not about to back down. "Because, _Kathryn,_ this is not MY personal life on display, no! It is the life of a holographic representation of me. Keep watching maybe you'll recognize me when I actually enter the scene!"

As Seven squirmed she attempted to defend herself. "The doctor said I could practice social scenarios on the holodeck!" And poor, selfish, self-centered, self-righteous, Seven continued on. "The doctor has assured me that Icheb's cortical node will hold until I can have the fail-safe removed. It won't overload during intimate moments with Chakotay like the last one did."

The entirety of the bridge crew drew in a stunned breath.

It was Chakotay who spoke. "What the HELL, do you mean "intimate moments" with _me?_ You must mean with my HOLOGRAM!"

"Well, your hologram… but once the fail-safe is removed, the holographic version of you will be unnecessary and we can pursue…" Seven didn't finish.

"The doctor KNEW you were violating a hologram of me?" As he said this the images on the screen showed the holodeck doors slide open in contrast to the image around them of Chakotay's quarters. The real Chakotay appeared, obviously angry, and clothed in the attire he was currently wearing, proving that the pictures were not of the real Chakotay.

"That's it!" Chakotay ranted, feeling even angrier than before. "I'm through being everyone's malleable plaything, putty, clay, toy, whatever! Tuvok, remove the doctor's holodeck privileges for 6 months, feel free to let him know why his privileges are gone! As this ships first officer, I also decide that, Seven, you are confined to Cargo Bay 2 while off duty for the next six months and you've lost your holodeck privileges indefinitely."

"Chakotay," Kathryn tried to cut in. "Don't you think…"

"NO! You made me First Officer! You trusted me to handle personnel issues and discipline, are you saying that now, after all these years, you were wrong to give me that responsibility?" A challenge! She hesitated.

"No."

"Are you going to take over all disciplinary issues on this ship? I won't object, if you no longer trust my judgement." She could practically see him daring her to take that responsibility on herself.

He was challenging her, on her own bridge! While this incensed her she couldn't show a lack of faith in her XO. Not in front of the crew; the people very people he disciplined and those he interacted with far more than she did these days. And she certainly couldn't commit herself to handling these additional responsibilities on her own.

"No, Chakotay. I'm not challenging your punishment. I just think you may be a little… privacy, would be in order. Your decision, however, will be upheld. I trust you implicitly."

His father was right! He needed to wake up and put his foot down.

 _"_ _Chakotay, you must use her very decisions, reasoning, and arguments against her_. _Not to hurt her, of course, but to save her from herself and help her see those who would hurt you both."_

 _"_ _That maybe, Father, but she will continue to reject me so long as her Starfleet rules and regulations form a barrier."_

 _"_ _Surely the Starfleet doesn't insist that those pledged to each other remain separate from each other at all times."_

 _"_ _She will never accept my pledge, Father." He said dejected._

 _Kolopak laughed at his son. "The pledge has been made and accepted. Did you not pledge to stay by her side?"_

 _"_ _Yes, but I made it a story not a pledge."_

 _"_ _Did you not clarify that it was easier to present the pledge to her that way?"_

 _"_ _Yes, but that doesn't mean… Does she not…" It finally dawned on Chakotay that a pledge, in his culture, could be accepted with a physical gesture, such as a move to entwine hands; a handshake of sorts, sealing a deal._

 _"_ _Ahh, now you understand, son. Now it is up to you to use her own arguments to make her accept and uphold that pledge between you."_

"Good!" He handed Seven over to Ayala, to be escorted back to the cargo bay. "Now, I need to speak to you and Tuvok in the Ready Room if you have a minute, _Captain_." It was clear that he was demanding that minute. While it irritated Janeway to be challenged so, she also recognized that this was the Chakotay that intrigued her from the beginning. He didn't quite cross the line but he definitely pushed the boundaries. He challenged her, kept her guessing, and kept her on her toes. The challenge, the need to spar with him, the thrill of besting him, or knowing she had been bested by a very worthy opponent, had kept her going many times. It was not until he became, what… almost lethargic, that she herself became unhappy, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled, to the point of depression at times.

"Lead the way, gentlemen." She gestured ahead with her hand as she struggled to keep her extended hand steady, wondering what sort of surprise Chakotay had in store.


	2. Chapter 2

Kathryn took a brief moment to take a deep breath and steady herself before walking into the ready room after Chakotay and Tuvok. She understood Chakotay's anger, but his tone disrespectful attitude had to be addressed. The truth was she had found the holoimages of Seven with holographic Chakotay disturbing. She felt disgust and anger bubbling inside her at the thought of Seven with _her_ Chakotay.

It was true in that moment, before Chakotay made it clear that the image wasn't of the real him, Kathryn felt sadness, anger, jealousy and a surprisingly strong desire to scream. In many ways she thought of Chakotay as hers, although she could never admit that. In recent years, when it seemed he lost interest in everything around him, she realized she missed him; the old him, the one that belonged to her.

Now she steadied herself to reprimand him for being the very person that she missed. His behavior on the bridge was unacceptable; somethings should only be done in private. His public display of disrespect could only undermine her authority with the crew; not only those with first-hand knowledge of it as word would spread quickly down to all the lower decks.

Kathryn walked slowly around her desk to her chair, yet remained standing. "Just what the hell do you think you were doing with that insubordinate and disrespectful display commander?"

"It doesn't feel good does it, Kathryn? I walk around here being ignored, my opinions, ignored, my decisions, ignored, my disciplinary actions, ignored…" Chakotay spoke with passion, anger and conviction. Spread his arms out and gesturing in uncharacteristic animation before he was cut off.

"I may not always do what you want me to Chakotay, but I've respected your disciplinary actions with the crew. I take your crew evaluations and recommendations seriously." Kathryn countered attempting to control her temper.

Chakotay laughed out loud. "Name the last suggestion I made that you actually listened to. As a matter of fact I challenge Tuvok here to come up with any recent suggestion of mine that you've listened to."

"Enough, _Commander_! I do NOT answer to YOU." Kathryn shouted at him.

"No you certainly don't." He cut in just as loudly. Tuvok wisely took a few inconspicuous steps back, to a location where he could step in if needed but would hopefully be forgotten, at least for the moment. "What do you want from me, Kathryn? You don't discuss your ideas with me. We don't talk through ships issues anymore. You overrule my decisions on a whim never asking me why I made them. You don't take me seriously. What am I doing here, Kathryn? I'm your damned token Maquis, that's all. The one with no power, no authority, no standing; hell I think you give Neelix' opinions more consideration than you give mine." With some of his steam finally abating his voice became quiet, a contrast to his raised voice just moments before but somehow his calm was even more disturbing to her. "If you don't want me to stand by you, challenge you, make suggestions to you, work out problems and issues together with you, as a command team should, say the word and I'll turn in my resignation."

Kathryn mind searched frantically for a way to counter him, but he was right on most counts. She, however, was too stubborn to come out and say so without a fight. "When have I overruled you when it comes to ships discipline?" She was certain she never had.

"One word Kathryn, _Seven!_ You didn't space her when she posed a lethal threat. You didn't want me to handle her you wanted to handle her yourself. You didn't discipline her when she deserved it. She was absent from her duty post. No consequences. She was logging in excessive hours on the holodeck and depriving our over worked crew of their holodeck privileges. No consequences, you didn't even look into what she was doing! When she collapsed on the holodeck did you find out what made it happen? No! Doc wouldn't tell you because of "doctor/patient confidentiality" but that's bull, Kathryn. With any other crew member you would have looked into it, you would have wanted to know what was going on, what had endangered your crewman; you would have found out and not just taken her word for it. She's made it obvious that she has no qualms about lying to you, yet you hold her word above that of others, including my own. Well we found out today what caused her collapse, didn't we? I feel violated, disgusted, and angry, and I want a stop put to that damned borg. Do you know that my people believe that abusing someone's likeness can damage that person's soul? Some still believe that your soul can be trapped in the holographic images of the person. What Seven did was a serious assault on my person, Kathryn. She needs to be dealt with. If you feel the need to keep coddling her I'll put a stop to her antics myself. I'm telling you right now, Kathryn, if you don't let me do my job I see no reason to continue pretending to have one. I'll resign and move down to lower crew quarters and find something more fulfilling to do with my time." The determination in Chakotay's voice and expression told Kathryn that he wasn't bluffing. He would walk away from his position and throw the whole command structure into turmoil. Not only would crew moral and stability be affected but she herself would be personally affected. They were almost seven years into their journey, and for the first time she stopped to consider what it would be like NOT to have him seated next to her, not to live next door to him, and not to be able to talk things through with him if and when she so pleased. She felt a brief moment of shame as she realized that, while she often ignored his presence she counted on the fact that he would be there for her unconditionally. She took him for granted. She pushed that feeling aside as she took a deep breath and considered her response.

She almost choked on her words as she muttered the unthinkable. "I'm sorry." Even during the Equinox disaster she had never actually apologized. Chakotay was stunned, and his spirits were bolstered. She continued, "I'm sorry that I didn't show you that I took your concerns seriously, and that you didn't feel appreciated. I'm also sorry that I didn't find out what Seven was up to. I swear that if I had known I would have put a stop to it."

"I appreciate and accept the apology, Captain." He responded, using her rank, for the first time that day, in an attempt to convey the respect he felt the apology had earned her. After all he knew how difficult it was for her to swallow her pride. "But I have to know. If Seven had come to you with those pictures, would you have believed me when I said it wasn't really me with her? Did you really think it was me when you asked why I was displaying my personal life on the bridge? "

Kathryn swallowed hard, could she admit that they're relationship had deteriorated to the point that she _would_ have believed Seven had Seven accused Chakotay of taking advantage of her? "I wish I could say no, Chakotay, but I can't. I don't know when we let things get this bad."

"There was a time when we could almost tell what the other was thinking. We lost our way, Kathryn." Chakotay agreed thinking of the connection he was sure she must have felt at one time as well; after all he knew now for certain that they were soul mates. "That being said; there is another matter that is very important to me and must be resolved appropriately as it is currently disrupting my ability to meditate and achieve the inner peace I seek, as well as interfering with my vision quests. I must be able to meditate in order to try and repair the damage Seven has done to my soul. You know how important my spirituality is to me. If it cannot be resolved I'll be forced to resign anyway."

Having calmed down some and being concerned about the possibility of losing her first officer she asked, "What is it?" as she braced herself for another issue damaging enough to make him want to quit.

To Kathryn's surprise he addressed Tuvok. "Tuvok, what do you know of the bonding rituals of my tribe?"

"If memory serves me correctly, when a male wishes to be bonded with a female he makes a pledge to her. If his pledge is accepted he joins her family and if not already a part of the following he also joins her village, her tribe, and her community." Tuvok spoke readily, almost as if he had expected the question.

"The United Federation of Planets accepts this bond as the equivalent to marriage, does it not Tuvok?" Chakotay continued, solemnly. Kathryn looked to Tuvok with a shocked almost panicked expression. Her thoughts whirled around in her head. A part of his soul was in the holodeck with Seven, isn't that what he implied? Seven could have made the hologram promise her anything. She felt sick. Could there have been someone else? He had been joined to Reilly Frasier's "collective". What sorts of promises had he made her? Did it matter? He had joined her village, her tribe, her collective. A small part of her wanted to consider the Angry Warrior legend but she refused to acknowledge that part of her and belittled herself for being ridiculous. The solution unfortunately was clear; if he was bonded to some woman somewhere surely what he needed was to acknowledge and fulfil that bond in order for his ability to complete his vision quests and to connect with his spirituality to return.

"Yes, Commander, it does. Under UFP law a bonded pair from your tribe is essentially a married couple." Chakotay swore there was a hint of a smile hidden somewhere in those Vulcan eyes.

"It seems I am bonded, Kathryn, and my failure to acknowledge that bond has been detrimental to me and my bond mate, in other words both my wife and I have suffered considerably. Until we acknowledge and accept that we were bonded I will never be at peace and my vision quests will be troubled and ineffective." Chakotay's serious expression drove home the importance of his bond.

Kathryn struggled to keep her own expression, as well as her voice, neutral as she responded. "Well, Commander, if you have a wife and wish to acknowledge your bond with her I don't see a problem. At least not one _I_ can address. The federation acknowledges your bond and married couples living on a starship together are generally expected to share quarters. While Voyager wasn't exactly built for… families…" She stumbled a little on her words. "we knew that with our journey it was a possibility. I actually expected that more couples would have asked to be married by now." All the while her eyes had been scanning her desk, almost begging for something to focus on. She couldn't look at him, and somewhere a voice in her head was saying _at least you won't have to officiate at his wedding._


End file.
